Blind Journey

She walked along a very quiet street with only the sounds of night surrounding her. She could hear the soft patter of pavement reaching up to meet her timid feet. Nothing around her was clear, for the darkness consumed it. There were no stars, the moon had vanished, and every form of light was a distant memory. Yet she wandered with courage anyway. Without the view of the path ahead - she stumbled. For miles and miles she tripped and blindly found her way towards an unknown destination. Then, without warning, she found her face slamming into the pavement, her cheek burning in pain as it met the asphalt. The tears exploded at that moment, falling all around her like summer rain. But in the midst of everything - she heard a voice call out. “Stop,” it said. “Get up and open your eyes.”

She immediately sat up with caution. Open her eyes? Hadn’t they been open this entire time? She felt the smooth skin of her lid and realized they had not. An easy task it seemed, to open them. But still, she hesitated.

“Why should I trust that I’ll like what I see?” she asked. The voice chuckled, “Well…we all walk through life blindly at points. We walk, stumble, fall - as you did - until we can’t take it anymore. Until we find the encouragement to open our eyes to what really surrounds us.”

Still unconvinced, she asked, “But why now? After all this time in the dark, what should make me open my eyes now?”

This time the voice had a certain and familiar warmth to it. “It’s quite simple you see - so you can get back up again.”

At that moment she trusted the words with everything she had. She slowly blinked her eyes open, expecting harsh light and a shocking reality. But what she found was even more surprising. She knew where she was, and she knew it was exactly where she was supposed to be.

1 year ago  /  Notes

History (His Story)

“Take a Bow” on repeat;
You had to know this wasn’t fair to me, didn’t you? It would take an idiot not to realize. Yes, over and done with. That’s true. But strength doesn’t come in sizes that strong, so watch your step. Yeah I’m back. But it’s not the same old me. 

But you put on quite a show, really had me going.

1 year ago  /  Notes

Home Is Where The Heart Is

It has been awhile. The last time I wrote here was about a month before college. And so much has changed. I am one week out of my freshman year at Delaware. And I am so happy. It’s like I’m a whole new person. And that could explain the lack of writing I’ve done (besides for school, I am an English major). Because a lot of the time I write to get the anger out. But now I’m just writing to write, for once.

I am in love with University of Delaware. I knew I loved it before I got there, but now it’s a bit of an obsession. I have incredible friends, a solid GPA, and I’m a founding sister of a brand new sorority on campus. It’s this whole new life with a bit of my old one mixed in. 

Speaking of which, I’m home now. And it’s such a strange feeling to have two lives. I miss school right now and I’ve barely been home. I feel like such a bitch because I make it pretty clear which place I prefer. But I have grown fonder of Audubon, PA. Being away makes you appreciate the little things, like King of Prussia Mall, my dogs, and hearing my Dad yelling at the TV when sports are on. 

So now I have two homes. Two places that are familiar and beautiful in their own ways. And I am allowed to have two homes. Because no matter where I go, I have people back in these towns that are like family to me. I am so goddamn lucky.

I finally realized: home is where the heart is.

1 year ago  /  Notes

Stupidity

I can still hear the whispering in my ears. The tones of encouragement, the assurances that I would eventually do the right thing. It all is stuck in my head and there seems to be no way out. The moment I did it I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I felt strong and confident, I felt that I had finally done something for me. The responses were as expected. “It was something you had to do, no matter the result.” “I am so proud of you. You were so brave.” But there’s something I’ve realized since I took my leap of faith.

If you try to fly, you’re going to fall on the fucking pavement. And for that one second, yes, you are flying. Because you believed you could. But gravity comes crashing down and brings you into reality. And in all simplicity, it sucks.

I am going to go against everything I believe in and say that I wish I could take every word I wrote on that stupid card back. Because I’m sick of letting people walk all over me because I love them. Because if they loved me, they wouldn’t.

But…me? Love someone who could ever manage to love me back?
Nope. Because being miserable is a big part of who I am.

Later.

2 years ago  /  Notes

Among the Stars

The stars looked so bright tonight. She looked up, chin held to the sky, and hoped that maybe they were shining a little brighter for her. In fact, she knew they were. Each twinkling light screamed her name in a defiant and confident tone. They told her of her beauty and grace, of the things she would do, of the people she would love, and most importantly - of all those that would love her.

She laughed with a humbling shrug and walked into the looming house she sometimes called home. The stars remained outside, waiting for her return with unblinking, startling eyes. All was fine, she decided.

But inside the turmoil began, a truth stirred and yelled faults at all parties. She knew her place and her part but she could not change them. The words that spilled from her mouth at all angles and attitudes threw so many bad things into the mix. But she needed them. She didn’t know how else to break through the barriers standing in her way.

So the fight sprung and for reasons known and unknown it grew and expanded and became swollen to a breaking point. And that point broke always as she returned from her place among the stars. She didn’t know how to fix it, how to fix the tears spilling down her cheeks every night as she prayed aloud to a God she wasn’t sure existed.

There was so much stupidity and ruthlessness and even a spirit of revenge between the parties. A fight was never fair and this had not become the exception to the rule.  But the politics and the feelings had always separated automatically in attempts to sear her only defense: her heart.

It had grown so long. So fast and so hard and with such determination. She let so many people inside of it. And the ones that stayed awhile eventually ran up to the sky, to watch her like the bright lights they already were.

Things weren’t fixed easily and things weren’t smoothed over with any kind of balance. But as she ran back out to the stars, she felt a jolt of pain. It was a pain unlike any other - a mixture of happiness and sadness and longing for a thing so far gone.

Inside they sat with weary eyes and heavy feet. She could not move them. Not even with her words, which she knew for some time. The syllables she spoke, and more importantly wrote, seemed to roll off them effortlessly. While everyone else stopped a moment to see what she had to say next…all her important words could not reach their destination.

She forced them into the night air and pointed to the dotted sky above. They stared at her in disbelief, unable to grasp what they were supposed to see.

“The stars, the stars. They shine so bright, and on some nights I know they shine for me. And I shine right back.”

“They’re just stars,” they stated.

“No, see, they are the most important people in the world to me. Every one of those stars I would die for. I would give everything in me to those stars.”

“It’s not about this,” they said. “It’s about your actions and your reactions and all in between. We do not doubt what you say but we see no point to stating it now.”

She sighed. She was unsure of so much, especially how to convey this complex message in such a simple way. And suddenly, she knew.

“I wanted you to be up there. In the stars…shining down on me.”

They stared once more. She made no sense and her words seems structured to say something that hadn’t answered any of their questions at all.

But it was so much more.

“I don’t know how to tell you who I am. I’ve been trying to show you all along. I believe you when you say that you find love in your heart saved just for me. And I know that the things you ask cannot be ignored at a consistent rate.”
They nodded.

“But this is me. Here I am. Shouting all I believe and am to you. And you shut me out. Goodbye, get going, this is stuff we don’t need to hear.”

She looked up once more, “See, those two empty spots there in the sky? You were there once. Your lights could be seen from miles and miles and miles. You tucked me in at night and blew me kisses and made me happy. You told me to believe in myself and believe in my abilities. But one day you fell down and you never got the courage to go up again. You tried and tried but I pushed you down and eventually the motivation left altogether.”

They had looked up as well, staring hard at the spots she had once held them.
“I don’t know how to love you anymore and there’s nobody to teach me. All I know is that when I’m here I’m always alone. It isn’t about showing you these stars to make you feel worthless and unimportant. These stars are apart of me, as you were.

Life isn’t about the little battles. It’s about the big ones. It’s about hearts and what they feel and how they feel it. It’s not nonsense and it’s not a distraction but instead a guide to what could be and should be.”

A shooting star shot across the sky.
“And what star was that? It only stayed for a moment,” they said.
“That was me.”

2 years ago  /  0 notes